Thinking Out Loud

A new dawn, a new beginning… for the Netherlands and also for me and you!

The Netherlands and my Aruba heritage.  I was born and raised in Aruba. On April 30, 2013, the Netherlands will have its first king in many years. I am going to borrow the words of a former Lagoite, Susanne Gravendijk Wirth, in regard to the royal history:

“Wilhelmina was queen. She had been queen most of my grandparents’ lives, as well. She abdicated for her daughter in 1948. Juliana abdicated for her daughter in 1980. And, now, Beatrix will abdicate, tomorrow, for her son, the first king since 1890. It will seem so very strange, to me…koning, instead of koningin.”

There are only princesses on board for the next generation.. we shall see. I remember seeing Queen Juliana when I was a Brownie Scout standing in formation when her plane landed… I remember when Beatrix married and how I wrote a poem in her honor, but never sent it. Growing up in Aruba was a special privilege. The Aruban people and the Dutch,  are a friendly people. Very down to earth. I remember reading that as Queen, Juliana did not hesitate to ride her bicycle into town.  Here is the Facebook page of the Netherlands. Explore and enjoy!

This was the beginning of the new year. Dark clouds at first, but you can see the sun rising behind.

Acceptance of Life There are a number of people who exist in my arena of life, who have to deal with great difficulties and they do it so very well! We have one student, Shern, who is in a wheelchair, and has many difficulties because of a history of seizures. I asked her today if she has pain. She said she is always has pain!  I was astounded as she is the most up-beat individual I know. I asked how she manages it and her answer was, “you have to adjust to it.” Well, I have been having pain and evidently I have not been able to adjust to it very well at all!  I better get my thoughts in order as of right now, as I have too much I want to accomplish, so many things to do! The main thing I must learn to do is do deep breathing. That makes things bearable.

Then there is a photographer I know only through the web. Her name is Cindy. She spoke today on Facebook how her hubby has to help her up once she gets down on the ground to capture some of her beautiful photographs. She stated she was not above crawling if needed. She has a beautiful dog, Phoebe, and the two of them need surgery now, but they both have to get better in order for it to take place.  Thinking of you both.  Your efforts keep me going!

The Calming Motion of Waves….

I know what I must do and that is to go with the flow. I need to pace myself. This stiff body is not up to sitting hours behind the computer!  I love my writing for BlogMutt, but must realize that to do my best, my body and mind must be in sync. The mind wants to race ahead, but the body starts to stumble as it tries so hard to keep up. Going to use my Chime timer to remind me to stop and do a few yoga moves in the middle of it all. The waves keep going, but they are recharging all the time. Their motion seems endless, there is much back and forth motion… this individual must follow their example. I have to stop and recharge. It is the sound and the motion of the waves that help me recharge. I have an mp3 that I love to listen to when sleep does not want to come. I also have one of gentle rain….

Patiently seeking its prey as I must seek knowledge and patience!!

I will seek knowledge for my posts, looking here and searching there. Then I will find it and take it back to the word processor to be put into the latest and greatest of my posts.  I love research and can often get lost doing it. Must learn to cut it short!  Gather what I need, make notes as to where I can go to find more and just move on.  [edited.. several times!] I also promise myself never to write a blog post again… when I have gotten up out of bed because I cannot sleep! I keep finding typos!!  That is a no-no!

Me with my kayak

This will  be my other form of survival. My muscles have turned into a marshmallow consistency that does not do well when one tries to be active. I have been holding back because of pain and slow mindset that I have in this area. I have been resisting exercise as I have to enjoy what I do and plain old exercises just don’t cut it. Kayaking is fun and when done right, can give you a full body workout.  There is also the asanas of yoga. They are going to become my computer break time activity. I will set my mat up in the living room and get on it every 30 minutes. Whenever I go though a door-frame, I will try to take a moment to do a shoulder stretch for both sides. Have to stay balanced, you know!!

Elliot is making a skeg to put on my kayak. He made a super one for his. It looks like it came from an Erector set, but it sure does what it needs to do!  Elliot and I are partners. We are ready to help each other though this difficult age of being  senior citizens. The strange thing is… it is only our bodies that are senior-aged. Our minds are young and full of laughter and love. We will continue our journey as we have done since 2001…. Side by Side

Side by Side We Can Face the World

I am ready Elliot… is my skeg done yet!!! It is supposed to rain this afternoon so we better get our butts in those kayaks now!!

New Technology in My Life

Here it is… with many new skills to learn

This is the new tool I have in my life. It is a joint birthday/Christmas present from both myself and my partner, Elliot. I had been interested in the iPad mini, till the price ended up higher than first anticipated  When the new iPad mini was introduced, I learned that there were some bargains to be found within the ranks of the older models. I found on CNet, a good review about the iPad, 3rd generation (refurbished). The price was right and I was ready. Since I have not experienced the technology of the iPhone, iPod or any other iPad, I am most happy with what I have ended up with.

I am learning about Instagram. Lost one and discovered it ended up on Facebook!  I was trying to enhance it and sent it instead. Tried a few apps in different categories, mainly art and photography. The ones I liked, I have kept. A few I got rid of. Luckily an app is not the price of computer software.  So many are free!  I downloaded Art Studio for iPad. It is a keeper. It reminds me of Corel Painter which I have always enjoyed working in. I also downloaded Camera+. It lets me do some enhancing before sending and or saving for later use.

While I was not going to use it for reading, I found that it works very well for that, especially when it comes to more serious reading. I can highlight multiple ways and most importantly… create a comment. While I often highlight hardback books I have never written comments in the margins. The reader program for Sony, now has an app for the iPad. I can re-read all the books I have purchased (no-thinking books) for my Sony reader on the iPad. When I read a no-thinking book, I do not read them word for word and therefore do not remember the whole plot etc. Going back and reading them again several months later is fine with me!  I keep hardback favorites for the same reasons.

What this marvel of technology is supposed to be for me, is a roving digital sketch pad. I cannot say that it was reached that level of use, but it will. I can draw from nature directly or take a photo and open it within Art Studio and work on it from there.

The effect of technology on our lives is being observed and studied in detail. Many negative and some positive aspects are being pointed out. A very humorous yet sad outlook can be found on Our Lighter Side. One of the serious books I am reading on my iPad is Spontaneous Happiness by Andrew Weil. He writes about the nature deficit disorder: the loss of nature in our daily lives and its affect on us, especially in the lives of children. Dr. Weil states:

 We simply are not meant to live as many of us do today: sedentary, alone, staring at glowing screens that keep us on perpetual information overload, eating processed food, and sleep-deprived as artificial light extends the natural day well into the night. Living this way undermines physical and mental health in profound ways.

He does not believe we have to withdraw from the modern world, but we do have to be aware of what is happening and take the means needed to counteract the negative aspects of this overwhelming use of modern technology. One of the strongest medical problems that has developed is depression. People are no longer interactive individuals, but are becoming isolated within their world of technology.

No. For most of us, that’s unrealistic. Instead, we need to realize that we must consciously follow behaviors in the modern world that reflect what our bodies and minds are meant to be doing. We need to move our bodies more; be truly (as opposed to electronically) social; eat whole, unprocessed food; and align our sleep more closely with the sun’s cycles. I also think that ancient spiritual traditions – particularly those that advocate various forms of meditation – can offer valuable opportunities for achieving emotional well-being. So can newer schools of psychotherapy such as “positive psychology,” which provides a wealth of specific techniques to boost emotional health.

As I have become absorbed in the use of my iPad, I can see how this might happen and I only have this one form of modern technology. It is enough for me. My cell phone is for basic communication and emergencies. It is not my main source for communicating. I have never been a big phone talker, ask my children. I prefer to talk face to face. Now that they are not close, I have had to learn to talk longer via the phone, any form of phone.

I have a long way to go before I really know all the iPad can do and will continue do pursue it. I am going to learn chess and play tennis with Roger Federer’s tennis app! No other games. I do play Mahjong on my laptop. That is enough!

What will happen next, I ask?

It would be so nice if we could set out our path, our plans for the journey forward in life, and find that it all moves along as planned. I have learned over my life that reality is usually quite different. To get to one rung on our ladder upward we may have the option of taking several routes or going up two rungs, back one then up three and so on. We might even have to choose a different ladder all together! This post… I tried to get the images with either a left or right alignment, but they refused to stay where I wanted them… so all are lined up right down the middle!!

OK, which way was I headed? How did I get here?

 

 

 

This has been my life as I have started to change things around to find alternatives in my life. I started one place, got bounced off that route and found myself undergoing obstacles that where not planned on. Yet… the latest, may have an end result that will be most beneficial.

As you know, if you have been reading my posts, I am a senior seeking a new direction.  By the time we get to our more mature years, various happenings are taking place in our bodies. Some are good and others are just a real ‘pain.’  The latter is visiting me right now. Like the image of the mangroves (life’s jungle) there is a spot of light (the cardinal)

 

 

 

I see you. You are most unexpected in these circumstances. Welcome!

 

I love using nature to demonstrate what I am talking about, if you haven’t noticed. I know blogs are usually informative, with great lessons and wisdom. I seem to just chatter along… inserting images to illustrate what I am trying to get across. What I enjoy learning is that there are others out there who know exactly what I am experiencing!  I am not alone on my journey. They are not all senior citizens. Some are just regular folks like you.

Well, this is am image of my main place of work… bad isn’t it?  I have worked at bring some sense of order, but obstacles keep getting in my way!

 

 

 

 

There is a computer there… look carefully and you will see it.

 

 

All those CDs and Zip drives are labeled. The books may not be filed with the Dewey decimal system, but they are in categories and I can access them easily. They are apart of my future… along with the many files on the internal and external hard drives. I learned the hard way that backing up is necessary.

 

 

 

It fit when I started… Hummm, how will it fit now? Do I need to make changes before going on? Yep!

 

 

Just as this dress  is in a state of being unfinished, we as people are never finished when it comes to our lives. We are a project in perpetual change. We have dreams, ideas of where we want to go, what we want to accomplish in our lives. This is not just a part of our youth, but is with us throughout our lives. So many have had their lives turned upside down over the past years and have had to look at new directions, make major changes in their lives.

 

 

Well, I for one am looking forward. I am excited about the possibilities that I see before me. Who knows, I may actually figure out what I really want to do with this blog!!  I am delving back into Jon Kabat-Zinn, as alternative treatments work best with me. My body does not like the modern-day chemicals called prescriptions. I am also resurrecting my Qigong… I know I said that before, but this time I have to be serious about it. Here are my Jahnke’s exercises for the PDF files of the exercises. The source is documented on the file.

Time for an image of Dawn… I am choosing an early morning sky image with a flock of pelicans flying. They know what they need, they keep at it until they get it. It may mean flying up and down the same coast line, but they persist. That is me. I live where I live. I have the tools that I have, but I can gain more if needed.

Pelicans on their daily search… against the morning sun

What I need is more self-discipline… I am not a quitter, but I get distracted very easily. Getting to know your strengths and weaknesses comes in your later years, earlier if you are lucky, but you have to acknowledge them in order to make use of them. Many do not like what they see. OK everyone… send all the positive support, thoughts you can my way. I will need it all.

I Love Dr. Suess

On Facebook, the Goodwill Librarian posted this along with the image. I am sharing it with you.

There were so many requests for this poster that I decided to upload the high resolution file so it could be downloaded. The image is 10 x 8 inches and is 300 dpi which is optimal for printing. To save it, just right click anywhere on the photo and choose ‘Save picture as…’ from the menu. Enjoy!

Life Lessons From Dr Seuss

Yes, we are who we are… that is special. We all have unique talents to share, to grow with. It is our attitude, our way of accepting ourselves. That saying… your attitude can make or break you is so very true. Take your gifts, learn how to use them for your own betterment and for the good of others. Don’t be afraid to step forward, to lead if need be.

Be true to yourself and you will find much to discover in life. If you are always trying to be ‘like another’ you will miss out. It is not always possible to undo past actions. Reality is for the day, each day of your life… it is the now that will take you forward to the future. Fantasy is an only as illusion that will not take you any where. Living in a fantasy world will just be time lost, opportunities lost.

Gain all you can in knowledge and you can use this to move forward in a positive way. Listen to others who have made good choices. See the steps they have taken and the work they have had to put out. It may not be the easiest to stay in reality, but it is the best place to be.

Gotta Get Going!!

Life can leave us tattered at times, it is how we respond to this that matters

Summers always get me down. Florida is hot and HUMID. It is the latter that intensifies the heat. This summer we have been lucky compared to our northern neighbors, but that did not make it any easier for me when it came to dealing with our Florida summer.

The seagulls had no problem adjusting to the semi-destruction of their favorite resting spot. This is what I need to learn. What I have figured out is that it is my frame of mind that makes the difference. According to Jon Kabat-Zinn, the thoughts we have about pain have a strong effect on how we react to the physical sensation that we label as ‘pain.’ It is so easy to moan and groan “This pain is killing me!”   I am not saying the ‘pain’ is not real… it is. The dwelling on the pain just does not make it easier to deal with. The ‘removal’ of the dwelling that is the trick, or I should say skill that is the key.  I am trying to adapt, make this a regular part of my life. So far it has been a more ‘off and on’ action than a steady action in my life.

It is not easy!  I still find myself saying… “OMG, why won’t it leave me alone!”  My pain does not begin to touch the level of pain I know others have to deal with, but any dwelling on it can make it appear to be just unbearable, to me!  Mind over matter, or in this case, physical sensations. Finding acceptance and peace with changes of any kind, whether they are within you or surrounding you, is the goal. Constant fighting against something magnifies it, makes it seem worse than it really is.

In his Mindfulness Meditation for Pain you explore the use of your breath to overcome the locked in thoughts regarding your pain. Your breath surrounds the pain and releases it. OK… it is not a 100% cure, but it is a thought process that can break your frame of mind at that moment. You can do it at any time and any place. What is great is that breathing in a mindful manner, works in so many circumstances; taking a test, getting ready for that job interview, your first date with someone special.

I also have his book Full Catastrophe Living and I need to get back on it. Any practice, whether it is to lose weight, finding release from stress, starting an exercise routine, or stopping smoking, has to be forever in motion. Stopping it, even though it is for a short time, does not mean the good that was happening will automatically continue. The positive action will be lost quickly. Little breaks in practice, unfortunately, often lead to longer ones and often to the complete cessation of the practice… no matter what you tell yourself.

Quotes from the book:

Cultivating mindfulness means learning to tap and focus our own wasted energies. In doing so, we learn to calm down enough to enter and dwell in states of deep relaxation. This nourishes and restores body and mind….
This energy comes from inside us and is therefore always within our reach and potential control.

He states that his first impression of meditation was incorrect. He thought change just happened without planning.

But time has taught me that some kind of personal vision is also necessary…
This image or ideal will help carry you through the inevitable periods of low motivation and give continuity to your practice.

This is what I have neglected to do. I was practicing without a goal or vision of what I wanted to accomplish.  This has got to be changed. One goal coming up… in vivid color!

The act of breathing…

Our very bodies are joined with the planet in a continual rhythmic exchange as matter and energy flow back and forth between our bodies and what we call “the environment.”

The breath has a very important partner in its work, namely the heart. Think of it: This amazing muscle never tops pumping during our entire lifetime.

Breathing is an incredible powerful ally and teacher in the work of meditation, although people who have no training in meditation think nothing of it and find it uninteresting.

As long as we are alive, it is always with us. We can’t leave home without it…. Tuning in to it brings us right into the here and now.

I  have CDs for both Qigong and Tai Chi that are being neglected at this moment. What is it in me, that lets me stop or ignore those things that I know can help me. I have used these practices in the past and have benefited greatly. It was that ‘little’ break I took… that “I’ll do it tomorrow instead” that messed me up. What this comes down to is self-discipline. Guess what I am lacking!!  When I have things that I have to do for others, I get it done without fail, but when it comes to myself… I fall flat on my face. I know I am not alone in this.

OK, Barb, what will it be like this time? Can you stick to it? Are you able to really make these practices a real part of your life? You know the benefits you achieve from them, so what the ‘heck’ is the problem? Don’t stay ‘broken down’ like the dock in the photo. The county did get around to fixing it up, eventually. Now it is your turn to ‘get around’ to doing what you know you have to do.

Taking a Detour in Life

New Growth Amid the Old

Life does not stop when obstacles get thrown in our path. Somehow we have to find a way to keep on moving forward. As I look at the old growth of this mangrove above. I see two images. One is the tangled web of my life that has developed over time. Now I am trying to start a new journey and that is the green sprout… the new skills, the new dreams and growth that is happening in my life at this time. I find it absolutely amazing. The second image (I love anatomy) is that of the neurons in my brain… with that spark of new development.

Our brains do not stop in their growth at a certain age. They do slow down and under certain circumstances some growth is lost or damaged by trauma, illness and substance abuse. There are new studies out there, that say to keep a brain young… exercise it! Exercising the brain can help hold off the ravages of Alzheimer’s disease. Brains that have been damaged because of stroke or trauma can relearn skills that were lost.

Well, I have not suffered trauma, stroke or any other such condition. I have just had obstacles tossed in my path. I am having to learn new skills and make decisions. Just where do I want to go with this blog. It has been wandering around in blogsville now for quite a while. Because my mind loves to be distracted, I am making a renewed effort to practice mindful meditation via Jon Kabat-Zinn as well as through the book written by “the Jolly Fellow” from Google, Chade-Meng Tan.

Now if you want to get a totally different take on meditation, then this is the book for you. ‘Meng’ is an engineer that started with Google in its early years. He was not too happy with the changes in his life and sought means to change it. He discovered Jon Kabat-Zinn, Daniel Goleman, among others, whom he invited to lecture at Google. His approach to meditation is not a ‘high in the clouds’ approach, but backed by science.

The Calming Motion of Waves….

I sleep with the sounds of waves to bring a sense of calmness. It also disguises the ringing that is present (tinnitus) I love to go to the beach to watch the waves. I decided long ago, I would have a problem if I did not have access to the ocean. I remember climbing to the tree top in Aruba so I could see the ocean in the distance. There is a gentle rhythm to the waves… most of the time.

These waves are gentle compared to those produced by a hurricane or any other strong storm… but then, those are the times I stay away from the beach!

Those of you who just happen to stop by… explore and leave a comment or two. Some of you know what is going on in my life. I am not daunted, but just finding my way. Life is good, it is definitely a challenge. It would be most boring if it were any other way. I want to share with you the website of a nature photographer who has had to overcome obstacles that would probably have made me stop in my tracks long ago. Her work is amazing. She is also an authority on moths. I never knew they were such beautiful creatures. Here are her sites. Woodsongphoto.com and within this one you will find Moth Magic. Thank you, Cindy… in more ways than one!

That was a learning experience….

Finding breakfast is not always a one dive shot. It often takes several dives to get the catch you want. I am like this osprey, stopping to think of new actions to reach my goal.

I learned after much effort that I am not able to put a PowerPoint on my blog. Getting a video is an option, but not for me at this time. So I decided to take advantage of my experience with a few fitting quotes from my book:  Readings from the Hurricane Island Outward Bound School. I am amazed at the number of clicks I get whenever I post from this book of quotes.

From the wisdom of Aldous Huxley:

The rung of a ladder was never meant to rest upon, but only to hold a man’s foot long enough to enable him to put the other somewhat higher.

Robert Frost said:

Something we were withholding made us weak until we found out that it was ourselves we were withholding from our land of living and forthwith found salvation in surrender.

A longer quote by Chapin Wright:

Mother nature has let us flounder all night in the fog. We fight our way: she is telling us with her fog that life is not always a direct sighting; you don’t always know where you are or where you are going; you can only keep fighting with a smile until it breaks and the new light is seen, then you are on your way again.  It may be a new direction, but it is a life. Thanks for the fog.

I cannot leave out the words of Walt Whitman:

Now understand me well–it is provided in the essence of things that from any fruition of success, no matter what, shall come forth something to make a greater struggle necessary.

Finally, Henry David Thoreau:

…If one advanced confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with success unexpected in common hours…if you have built castles in he air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.

It always amazes me…

Closed, forgotten... now I must reopen it...

Here I am, wondering how to get myself in gear. I have started on this new journey and I am faltering… in several ways. It is like I closed the door or ‘gate’ when it comes to forward movement. I opened my email this morning and guess what I found… three emails with wisdom that should help me, if I put it all to work.

First Leo Babauta talks about the need to “Build the Muscle of Change.” He compares changing the ‘muscle’ of mental change with actual building up of real muscle… it takes time and persistence! He has some great pointers to follow. Check them out.

I started training my change muscle in 2005, when it was weak and I could never make any lasting changes. I felt helpless, and didn’t know what to do. I felt like I couldn’t ever make changes.

But I’ve learned in the years since that the change muscle is like other muscles: you might be weak at first, but you get stronger with regular training.

Then the next email up is from Linda Hewett. She is sharing her post about Starting your Confidence Transformation. I definitely need this as mine is dragging a bit. So much at work, stress involved there and facing the unknown within my new direction. Again, it is all spelled out in simple steps, just like Leo’s advice.

Step 1.  Start your Confidence Journal.

Nothing fancy, just a notebook to record your ideas about confidence as we go along.

You know you want to be confident, but what exactly do you mean?

What does confidence mean to you?

Think about this, and then write down…

‘If I was more confident I’d be able to…’

Write down as many answers as you can, building a picture of how you’d like to be.  Think of as many as you can!

As I am in the process of reading Linda’s link… another drops in my mailbox. This one is from Galen Pearl. While she talks about finding Happiness despite the Obstacles, she includes points that fit me… at this moment when I am dealing with self-doubt.

The problem, of course, is that self-doubt often leads to immobility. We stop and hesitate and stutter in our steps toward the life we dream of.

But we can give ourselves permission to act in the face of our doubts. We can grant ourselves the right to be human. We can grant ourselves permission to doubt, and then rise above those doubts, letting doubt have its say, then ignoring its plea to remain in the spot we’ve stayed in for too long.

And yet self-doubt seems to keep finding its way back home despite the actions we take and the growth we experience.

I learned from Galen that this was a guest post by Ken Wert… who has a great blog Meant to be Happy

OK… that is it, Barb. You have lots to do and some great advice to follow. Get to it!!  Thanks everyone!!

Traveling through new territory…

A large branch reflected in the water

Life sure keeps moving on. It does not matter if you are ready for it to do so or not! Each day, lately has been more different from before. My life has been evolving, new challenges, new directions and evaluations of what is happening each day. Like the fallen tree in the photo above, which I took from my kayak… there is mystery, beauty, wilderness, and the sun coming through to open the view for all to see. All sorts of critters live here, but none were present at this time.

As in so many places around the country, the winter weather is up and down, in and out. For us it is ‘spring’ with temperatures in the 60s at night and 80s in the day time. I have to keep track as to weather the heat or the A/C in running.

This uncertainty is carrying over in my workplace. Our student load is on the small side right now and that does not sit well as numbers are so very important. We have some great students right now. Some are coming to the end of their studies with us and others are all levels in between. It is good to see the completers getting ready to move on.

That is what I am doing, getting ready to move on. I am trying to become more accustomed to fewer hours… and yet using the new off time to write, and explore my new direction. Changes rarely happen overnight in this situation. I have applied to two full-time writing sites, but am not sure whether I will find out anytime soon if they are interested. This on-line set up is different from the local job set-up… going in for the interview etc. I am learning quite a bit about this telecommuting world that exists.

The most important part of it, aside from actually doing the work, is your self-discipline!  It is just you, sitting in front of your computer, manning your equipment, phones if needed. You are expected to set specific hours and get the work done. Having the right attitude is needed, as you are expected to take this work seriously, the same as if you were in an actual office. I call it the ‘get it done now and get it right‘ attitude.

That is what we tell our students as the classroom we have is open-ended. Students come when able and do their classwork. A team of teachers is there ready to help questions and with the grading etc, but it is up to them to determine how many hours a week they will come, and how hard they will apply themselves.

Well, I will just continue on my journey, but not totally losing touch with the past. The past is what brought me to where I am today… and I feel quite good about where I am right now!

Has your world ever been turned up-side down?

Not Always What It Seems

Down becomes up and up becomes down. Sure wish I had a bit of a warning. At thing moment, I will be turning to the wisdom I have found through the numerous bloggers on the web. I was trying to be a good net-worker, but have dropped off.

I have learned a bit about my middle ear and the importance it plays in my life, my physical balance. I even wrote an article for Helium about the vestibular system of which it is a part of.The body is an amazing thing and at times various parts are injured, become diseased, have to be removed etc.

Well, some where withing my semicircular canals, a problem has developed. I underwent a most fascinating test, where I had to wear these space aged goggles and by means of a computer, the tech did different things with lights, asking me to look at, or follow the lights etc. I then had the cold water treatment, where they put cold water in your ear and watch via the goggles how your eyes react.

Now the fancy words regarding the final Impressions.

Peripheral:
There is evidence of significant peripheral vestibular dysfunction. Unilateral weakness denotes a lesion involving the horizontal semicircular canal or its afferent pathways on the side of the weaker response.

Central:
There is evidence of a significant central vestibular dysfunction. Defective pursuit denotes a CNS lesion. Bilateral or symmetric defective pursuits imply  dysfunction of the cerebellum, striate cortex or brainstem. Asymmetric or reduced optokinetic nystagmus in the context of either abnormal pursuits or saccades denotes a central vestibular lesion. This may be consistent with an oculomotor disturbance.

Now what I want to know, what is it that can cause a lesion in an area so far in. How did these things happen on the inside of the head? Anatomy fascinates me and I am truly puzzled!

On to the next discovery

The doctor ordered an MRI of the brain, with and without contrast. Even the music could not drown out the rhythm of that machine. The noise never bothered me any way. The results of the MRI showed the following (in their language):

There is a small 2 x 4 mm focus of decreased T1 and increased T2 FLAIR signal within the posterior midline of the pons. This does not show suspicious enhancement or restricted diffusion. This is suggestive for a small chronic pontine lacunar infarct. In plain English there are signs of small TIA also known as transient ischemic attack and even more simply put… mini strokes!

How can I have a stroke, no matter how small and not be aware of it, much less several.

What do I do now?

Well, I have to take all that I have learned and put it into perspective.

I visited Han of Harmony and his post: How to Manage the Tao of a Situation.

1. Define Goals: become aware, I need to see things clearly.
2. Identify Challenges, seeing what may become an obstacle. Know my strengths and weaknesses. I must learn to focus my efforts according to their priority.
3. Create Solutions: Look closely and seek solutions, become aware of the choices out there. Look to others for help if needed.
4. Execution of Plan:j Do more than just think about it! Put it all in motion!

I found some more wisdom by Mary Jaksch on her site, Goodlife Zen

When we see a wilting plant, we know what to do. We water it.

But when we are exhausted and stressed, it’s often difficult to recover.

The problem is that the exhaustion many of us suffer from can’t be fixed by a holiday at the beach, or a visit to a day-spa. Because it’s not just our body that’s exhausted, it’s our soul.

Then I visited Christopher Foster.

Aging does bring challenges, but it is how we approach them that makes a difference.
I find in my own experience that a “childlike” attitude toward aging helps me approach this rite of passage that comes to us all with an open mind and heart.

It helps me discover that rather than being a negative experience, aging can be a door to greater meaning and happiness, a greater experience of my true potential.  Who’d have thought it?

I got the next quote from UnLock the Door written by Stuart Mills

“Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. And Today? Today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.” – Babatunde Olatunji

This quote is the beginning of my new journey. I cannot change what has happened, but I sure can do something about how I face the future. It will unfold as it comes. I plan on being aware of all that happens, deciding on priorities,  looking for solutions, and keeping my spirit childlike. I will take great care to nourish the both my body and spirit.

Irene’s waves for Florida

I will set myself down by the ocean and listen to the music of the waves as they come ashore. Coming in, they bring me new energy and on their way out, they take away the frustrations, the pain I feel.